dont be alarmed. this will sound kind of...strange.

i thought life would be more than this. when i was in high school i had this plan for what my life would be. i thought i'd go to college, but i wasn't sure. i didn't think i'd make it through college actually. funny when i think of that now. i thought i'd be different, i thought life would be different.

i don't know why but i had this idea that i'd be one of those people that right after you get out of college you find the perfect job and it just fits. you fit. it fits. it's a great fit. i thought i had that. turns out i didn't fit, and it didn't fit nearly as much as i thought it did. i always thought there were two different kinds of people...well, more than two, but two that matter in this equasion. one is the the kind of person that doesn't really know what they are going to do with their lives. they're fine with kind of wandering through life, not on a mission but on a journey. and then the other kind of person was someone on a mission, they knew where they were going and how they were going to get there. they had a plan and things happened according to that plan.

i thought i would be the later. come to find out, i don't think i am. i'm the first one. and i don't think i'm okay with it. it's like i knew what i wanted and along the way somewhere i turned left when i should have gone right. i accepted when i should have declined, i left when i should have stayed. and i don't really know how to find out where i should be or how i would even get back on track. it's like the freeways here. there is the 5 and the 405. they split through LA. they actually form a Y down by me. i'm famous for taking the 5 when i should have been on the 405 luckily about 10 miles after the split, there is the 55 that runs east-west. i can take the 5 to the 55 and get back to the 405. i feel like i need to get back to the 405...but there's no 55 in sight. have i lost you yet?

you know i started doing video stuff in middle school? i did. how funny is that. if you're lucky, i still have the video tapes of amber andi doing the morning announcements. it's amazing i was never beat up in middle school. i've officially been doing video related 'stuff' for 13 years. how creepy. i love to do it. i enjoy it. i still do it now. but i wonder if it's really something i meant to do or if it was a fun club that i joined and never turned in my membership card.

how is it that i'm 25, (26 in almost 6 weeks) and i feel like i haven't accomplished anything? i had such great dreams and goals. it's like in high school, and college for that matter, anything was possible. i was going to conquer the world....and then i went out into the world and realized it was a lot more than i thought i'd have to conquer.

i was telling my mom tonight that i just wish someone would tell me what i should be doing and what my purpose in life really is. and the more i thought about it. i wonder if it's something that i want so i don't have to make the initail decision or if its something i'd want so i would have someone else to blame if things go wrong.

i believe i have just defined the quarter life crisis.

i have this dream. i want to shoot a documentary. i have it all planned. it's an incredible idea. it probably wouldn't make any money. and i don't think millions would see it but it's this dream i have. i would shoot it and edit it myself. it involves travel, actually, a lot of travel. but until i have a ton of money or just enough to get this off the ground, i'll be sitting on the idea.

anyone have a ton of money they are dying to give away? it could be tax deductable...i just have to form a non profit...if you stumble on some money or just want to hear the idea and perhaps join me in the process, let me know. i won't post it here so as to not let the idea get ripped off too quickly.

i'm off to convince myself that i don't have ulsers.

anwhoo. have a good evening... here's to hoping that 26 brings the end of the quarter life crisis.

k

ps. i'm tired and spell check won't work. bummer dude.