Monday, September 17, 2007

okay, just to warn you this isn't meant to be depressing or alarming. i'm just sharing a revelation that i've had recently. it's a really good thing actually and i'm glad it's happened when it did. it's strange i know but i want to post it here so i remember this feeling. stick with me.

i've realized in the last couple days that i'm living a life that i didn't plan and i didn't want. i know that sounds really strange and actually bad. it's not. i mean, it's not really good but it's not bad. i just remember in middle school and high school and even college, i had this vision of what my life would be. and what i'm doing in my life is not what i imagined. there are a couple things that line up to what i imagined but only a couple things and i don't like that.

it's so strange to think that i had this plan for my life and the only reason that i'm living a life that doesn't seem like mine is because i didn't stick to my plan. i let life happen to me. at some point i decided to sit back and let things go and let things happen and all of a sudden, a couple months away from 27 it hit me like a truck that i feel like i'm living someone elses life.

the one thing that i can think of that i really had planned or wanted in my life is that i always promised myself that i would live in california at least once before i found a home someplace. and i've done that. and that's the last thing i remember making happen and not just letting happen.

i was on the freeway during rush hour the other day and with no where to go, i started thinking about my life. that may be the one benefit of the 5 freeway. i realized that i'm just existing in southern california. i'm not living here. i just exist. it was like this amazing revelation for me.

one of the most amazing places on earth is southern california. i live near the ocean and the mountains and i spend 90% of my time behind a computer (occupational hazzard) and i haven't taken advantage of where i live. and i can't believe that i've lived here for a year and 10 months and it just hit me now.

i don't remember my last day off. and whenever it was, i know i didn't enjoy it. i probably, oh wait that's right, i worked... on my day off.

since i've moved here i've become more synical, more sarcastic and less outgoing. because of the job i have i haven't been able to attend church regularly and i don't like that. at first it didn't bother me because i felt like i needed a break after working for a ministry. i felt like i got a little burned when i left there and i felt like i needed a break. now i feel like i'm missing part of my life. it's that weird lost feeling that i've heard so many people explain but i never understood. i understand. i've requested to have sundays off from work and i have been denied. this last time was denial number 4.

the point of all of this is that i want my life to be different and i finally realized that i can't just sit back and wait for that to happen, i have to make it happen myself. i knew that before i just didn't want to believe it. and now i believe it. i've already started to make changes in how i'm living.

how did i let it get this far? i can't believe that i had these plans in the last few years and i let them get away from me. and i know that my plans are not the same as God's plans, i get that. the difference is thinking that God's plans just happen and i can just sit back and wait. --this could totally lead into predestination and free will, ah my calvin college years, but i'll keep that to me. (even though i think i'm destined for something greater than what i've allowed myself to become) but i'm not going into the predestination stuff... i'll leave that for another day on the 5 freeway.

so, those are my recent thoughts. again, not meant to be depressing or alarming, it's a revelation. it's like an alarm went off in my subconscious. amazing.

the winds of change are blowing.

and i didn't spell check so deal with it.

6 Comments:

At 8:01 AM , Blogger amberWIRE said...

#1 - Do the best with what you've got
#2 - Keep doing the next right thing.

I love you!

 
At 2:53 PM , Blogger Flame Lilly said...

I'm glad the 5fwy is good for something:)
I think that is an awesome revelation! It shows wisdom! Now it's up to you to channel that wisdom and desire into making the life you dreamed of with the Lord's help!
However, i'm really bummed you got denied! I was looking forward to seeing you at the morning services! I think something needs to be donw about that!!
Love ya!
S:)

 
At 2:54 PM , Blogger Flame Lilly said...

donw? HUH??? I meant done!!!! hahaha

 
At 9:13 PM , Blogger Justin said...

Keep your head up!

 
At 8:02 AM , Blogger Woolston Gallery said...

Now You've got it!
As a "wise man" in a flannel shirt with no sleeves once said,...
"GIT-R-DONE" !!

 
At 3:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go for it!

 

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