what if the 'hokey pokey' really is what it's all about?

so, i'm still sick. i found out today that the surgery will be october 21st. i got off the phone and cried. i seriously doubt that i will live another three weeks. i keep just taking more drugs and hoping for the best. i know that you're not really supposed to use that nose spray stuff for longer than three days but it has become my new best friend. without it, i have no air flow and i'm pretty sure that's just killing off my brain cells.

i know that i'm a wuss. i know that in the big picture, my sickness is nothing. it's a cold, and a sad one at that. people are dealing with cancer and doing it a lot more fearless than i with my cold. my uncle had a kidney AND pancreas transplant and i never heard a single complaint, in fact i remember only hearing praises coming from him. and here i am in my sad and pathetic sick state whining about a cold. i apologize for being such aa wuss. i also believe though, that other people are given stronger diseases because they are stronger people to deal with them. my moms friend is on her second kind of cancer and still jokes about it! i think that the reason that God hasn't given me a worse sickness to deaal with, is because i couldn't deal with it. i would die. three months of a stuffy nose and cold symptoms and i'm ready to jump off a bridge, i can't imagine having to go through something physically painful. God bless the people who can be strong when someone like i would be weak. those people truly amaze me.

ive decided that i need a vacation. it's been since march and quite frankly, i'm feeling the itch. i'm still in the i-have-no-money-for-anything-other-than-bills stage of life right now, so i won't be going any time soon but i'm seriously starting my planning process. i'm picturing sitting on the beach for four or five days just sitting there. me and my ipod and no cell phone. i'd love to go to fiji or florida or san diego. i love san diego. i've got the itch, i need to go soon.

here is my new tangent. i hate talking on the phone. hate it. let me clarify though before i lose friends. i love my friends and family. love hearing about their lives and their days. love hearing their voices. my day gets better when i get to hear their voices. however, i hate talking on the phone. i think it's because it's so impersonal. you know? i've got this battery operated device to my ear, i'd rather be sitting across the table from the person. i really hate it when people call for no reason, again, let me clarify. to call and say, 'just wanted to say hi, was thinking about you' that's great. to call and say, 'what's going on?' 'nothing' 'what's going on with you?' 'nothing' I HATE IT. i don't understand the whole thing. it just kills me!!!

okay, i lied. one more tangent. i am in NO hurry to get married. i seem to have a circle of people around me that seem to believe that my life is not whole because i am not married. oh contrare. i am happy being single. i LOVE not having to check in with someone. sure, i want to be married - in the future. but i'm 24. i love that i can throw the dog in the jeep and go. i don't have to check schedules with anyone if i don't want to. call me a loner but i love having my independence. i'm looking forward to being married. i can't wait to share my life with someone. it'll be great to throw the dog and the husband in to the jeep and go but i am at a stage in my life right now that i'm having fun. i don't have a real career, i'm not in a serious relationship and i can focus on what i want when i want. i love it. i think that if God wants me married, he'll introduce me to the right man. but i also don't think i'm ready for married life. i recently got to spend time with my great friend Amber and her husband Ryan and i LOVED watching them together. it was so funny to see what amber was in high school and see who she has become. it amazes me. she cooks, she cleans and she loves him in everything she does. when i get married i want a relationship like amber and ryan. my sister and sister-in-law can't seem to understand that i am in no such hurry. if you know my sister and you're a single male, not related to me, you've heard the phrase, "have i told you about my sister." i'm not kidding, i must seem like the most desperate charity case known to the world right now. or at least to my church. anyone associated with the band or drama has heard about beckys sister. my concern is that now, no one is going to want to meet me because, lets face it, my older sister is trying to get me dates. i think that if i were that...motivated to be in a relationship right now, i'd be out there meeting guys and investing in relationships, the problem is, it's not my top priority. i made it that for too long and now, i'm shifting my priorities. call me crazy but i think i'll put my focus else where for now.

so, now that that is off my chest. i'm off to design a t-shirt... i have a couple ideas. 1. single and fabulous 2. single and loving it 3. seriously high maintenence 4. i'm the sister becky's been bugging you about.

feel free to vote. ;O)