trying to be someone i'm not... it's about time!

my friend amber is an amazing person. i love her so much. she is married to an amazing man named ryan. ryan is amazing to me for many reasons like how he treats amber so well and he leads by example, he's honorable, he has integrity, he's a doctor and loves people and the specific reason i'm writing about ryan is because he is one of those people who can just decide to do something and then they do it. it's amazing!

i know that sounds strange but he is the kind of person who sets his mind to something and it's made up, there's no debate, that is just how it is. amber told me that one day he woke up and decided he was going to be a coffee drinker. he wasn't before. they didn't own a coffee maker. he bought a coffee maker, i think he even bought a grinder thing and that day, because he set his mind to it, he became a coffee drinker. amazing! one of the reasons i love this about him is because of the fact he said he was going to be a coffee drinker and he was, it makes me realize that when he said he was going to love amber the way that God intended and the way that she needed and deserved, i know he will do it. because he said he would, just like the coffee. and that makes me happy.

my friend meredith is the same way. she woke up one morning and decided that she was going to exercise on a regular basis. now, that wasn't the difficult part for her because she used to run track, she is an athlete at heart, i truly believe that. just try to play her in ping pong, you'll never see a missionary girl get so angry and so competitive so quickly. the amazing thing about meredith deciding to do something out of the ordinary is that not only was she going to exercise every day but she was going to get up at FIVE A.M. every morning to do it. no joke. and what astounds me is that... she did and she still does. along with that she decided to cut her caloric intake to 1500 calories a day. and she did. she did. we went to the cheesecake factory and she stuck to her guns. that's her favorite place in the world and that cheesecake is about three days worth of those 1500 calories but she kept that promise to herself. (now the tough time to support her in her 5AM quest is when we're relaxing and vacationing in las vegas and - because she decided she'd do it - she was bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5AM...WITHOUT AN ALARM but i love her anyway)

i am not the kind of person that can just decide to do something and then do it. which seems strange to me. i mean... i am the one choosing to do something and then i wuss out for some reason. my pastor did a sermon once where he mentioned that you have to be one of those people who decides the night before that when the alarm goes off you get out of bed...the first time it goes off... without using the snooze. no one will believe this but i honestly didn't know that those people existed. isn't that weird? people actually do that. on purpose.

it didn't occur to me until now that what those people are doing is making a promise to themselves. they are saying, "ryan, in the morning, you're going to drink coffee." and then he honors the promise. meredith is saying, "i'm getting up at five and through the day i'm monitoring my calories" and she keeps her promise. i'm a promise keeper, i really am... to anyone else. i hope that my friends could say that about me. when i say i will do something i will do it, come hell or high water i will do it. but what i don't get is why i don't keep any of the promises i make myself. isn't that strange? why would i keep my promises to everyone else except me? any insight here? i really don't know. i think that the downer of all of this is that the more promises i make to myself, the more i broke and i've started to not trust myself. 'i'm going to be better about my budget," and in my head i think, "yeah, good luck with that." why is it easier? is it the accountability?

so, all of that to say that i am currently attempting to be something and someone i am not. not in a bad way. i'm trying to be the person i want to be. you'd think that after 27 years i would have tried earlier but apparently i procrastinated until now. i took a step back a few days ago and thought, "this is not what i thought i'd be." i want to be this and i want to be that, and then the alarm goes off and it feels nice and warm in my bed and i hit the snooze. welp, no more snooze. no more broken promises to myself, i am choosing to be a person who can just choose to do something. and it's already happening. i decided that i wouldn't shop for groceries until i had gone through online coupons and the sunday paper and last time i went to meijer i saved 25.00 in coupons. that's pretty amazing since most of them are for 50 cents. i am also choosing to not use the snooze. i'm setting my alarm for one time and one time only and i'm getting out of bed... this will be tough but i will do it!

there's others that i have decided to conquer but this post is enormous already so i have to end it. i feel like i'm on a quest. i never again want to say, "man, i wish i was the kind of person who..." instead i will say, "man, i'm going to be the kind of person who..." and like ryan and meredith i'm actually going to honor the commitment to myself. this is going to be an adventure, i can see it already!