Monday, September 17, 2007

okay, just to warn you this isn't meant to be depressing or alarming. i'm just sharing a revelation that i've had recently. it's a really good thing actually and i'm glad it's happened when it did. it's strange i know but i want to post it here so i remember this feeling. stick with me.

i've realized in the last couple days that i'm living a life that i didn't plan and i didn't want. i know that sounds really strange and actually bad. it's not. i mean, it's not really good but it's not bad. i just remember in middle school and high school and even college, i had this vision of what my life would be. and what i'm doing in my life is not what i imagined. there are a couple things that line up to what i imagined but only a couple things and i don't like that.

it's so strange to think that i had this plan for my life and the only reason that i'm living a life that doesn't seem like mine is because i didn't stick to my plan. i let life happen to me. at some point i decided to sit back and let things go and let things happen and all of a sudden, a couple months away from 27 it hit me like a truck that i feel like i'm living someone elses life.

the one thing that i can think of that i really had planned or wanted in my life is that i always promised myself that i would live in california at least once before i found a home someplace. and i've done that. and that's the last thing i remember making happen and not just letting happen.

i was on the freeway during rush hour the other day and with no where to go, i started thinking about my life. that may be the one benefit of the 5 freeway. i realized that i'm just existing in southern california. i'm not living here. i just exist. it was like this amazing revelation for me.

one of the most amazing places on earth is southern california. i live near the ocean and the mountains and i spend 90% of my time behind a computer (occupational hazzard) and i haven't taken advantage of where i live. and i can't believe that i've lived here for a year and 10 months and it just hit me now.

i don't remember my last day off. and whenever it was, i know i didn't enjoy it. i probably, oh wait that's right, i worked... on my day off.

since i've moved here i've become more synical, more sarcastic and less outgoing. because of the job i have i haven't been able to attend church regularly and i don't like that. at first it didn't bother me because i felt like i needed a break after working for a ministry. i felt like i got a little burned when i left there and i felt like i needed a break. now i feel like i'm missing part of my life. it's that weird lost feeling that i've heard so many people explain but i never understood. i understand. i've requested to have sundays off from work and i have been denied. this last time was denial number 4.

the point of all of this is that i want my life to be different and i finally realized that i can't just sit back and wait for that to happen, i have to make it happen myself. i knew that before i just didn't want to believe it. and now i believe it. i've already started to make changes in how i'm living.

how did i let it get this far? i can't believe that i had these plans in the last few years and i let them get away from me. and i know that my plans are not the same as God's plans, i get that. the difference is thinking that God's plans just happen and i can just sit back and wait. --this could totally lead into predestination and free will, ah my calvin college years, but i'll keep that to me. (even though i think i'm destined for something greater than what i've allowed myself to become) but i'm not going into the predestination stuff... i'll leave that for another day on the 5 freeway.

so, those are my recent thoughts. again, not meant to be depressing or alarming, it's a revelation. it's like an alarm went off in my subconscious. amazing.

the winds of change are blowing.

and i didn't spell check so deal with it.